Egg Rolls

August 28, 2012 was the last day that I made egg rolls for dinner. It was also the night that we found out something was very wrong with Austin's health. I was making the egg rolls as I answered the phone from our Pediatrician and was told to drive Austin to Primary Children's right away. I don't remember turning off the fryer, I don't remember cleaning up the mess. I do know that those egg rolls were not eaten that night. Instead, I rushed around the house packing as fast as I could with so much fear in my heart. All of these memories came flooding back tonight as I was making egg rolls on a very different night. On this night my little family was gathered around the table with smiles and the happy noise of children instead of tears and fear. I'm so grateful that Austin is doing well with his treatment. As silly as it is, I think egg rolls will always hold a special place in my heart.

The Exhaustion

This month's checkup came and went without event.  Austin feels good and hasn't been sick.  I want to talk a little about the exhaustion that has set in. This marathon of a treatment plan is 3 1/2 years long.  We are a few months to the 2 year mark. There are some days that I think it will never end. Austin is so tired of the frequent doctor's visits, the pills he takes every night, the painful pokes, the nausea and vomiting and general crappy feelings that come with chemo.  As his parents, we are so tired of seeing him suffer, of being the "bad guys" that make him go through it all. I feel so guilty every time I drive him to his appointments to get tortured. I know it's not my fault but I feel so responsible and I somehow feel like a failure that I can't take it all away and make it better.  The constant worrying and sleepless nights take a heavy toll on me.  I sometimes lose sight of the big picture, I forget to count our blessings and appreciate how good Austin is doing. Sometimes, an extended pity party sounds great. Austin rarely complains. He takes his pills every night without a blink.  He usually lets out a long sigh when I tell him we have to go to the doctors again but he doesn't whine. He is so brave and manages to keep his sense of humor intact through it all.  But sometimes, every now and then, I see this look on his face and  I know he feels the exhaustion too.